Why Seniors Give Up on Sex

In speaking with people, I’ve gotten the impression that some seniors give up on sex. For one reason or another, they stop having sex, either with a partner or themselves and over time lose all desire for sexual contact.

I think that’s tragic. We’re wired to be sexual beings, and sex can be a great source of pleasure and fulfillment. Why do some seniors give up on sex?

1. Seniors Give Up on Sex Due to the Death of a Partner

It’s not unusual for a grieving partner to lose all interest in sex during the grieving process. They’re feeling intense pain, sorrow, and loss, and the last thing on their mind is having sex.

Sometimes the partner has been the caretaker for an ill spouse for years before death. During that time, due to illness, all sexual contact may have ceased. All of their energy has been focused on caring for the ill partner.

The death of a partner doesn’t have to mean the death of all sex.

It is possible, over time, to become sexual again. Survivors can start with self-pleasuring using their hands or a vibrator like the Magic Wand Rechargeable (Lanette’s long-time favorite) if they’re not yet ready to date again. Even if they’re not interested in finding another love relationship, it is possible to enjoy sex with “friends with benefits” who care about them and enjoy being with them.

A great source for grieving partners is the book Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved. The author, Joan Price, lost her partner to illness and struggled to regain her sexuality again. She gives good, practical advice and many options for survivors.

2. Seniors Give Up on Sex Because They’ve Never Had Good Sex Before

There are times when a surviving partner gives up on sex after the death of a loved one because they never experienced good sex during their marriage. It may be that they had sex with their partner out of a sense of duty, or desire to please their partner. But they never really enjoyed it. A surprisingly large percentage of women have never experienced an orgasm.

Many men have poor sexual skills and don’t know how to pleasure a woman properly. It’s not their fault; they were never taught how to do so. They learned what they know from talking to friends, watching porn, and experiencing sex. In our culture, we teach the physiology of sex, but not the art of sexually pleasuring a partner.

It’s amazing how many women have never experienced an orgasm while partnered.

Women (or men) who have never experienced great sex have no idea what they’re missing, so they don’t have much difficulty giving up lackluster sex. I’d encourage women who’ve never had good sex to do some reading and experimentation. Get a vibrator and experience how wonderful an orgasm (or many orgasms!) can feel. Find a sexual partner who has the skills to pleasure you.

3. Seniors Give Up on Sex Due to Physical Problems and Limitations

As we age, we tend to have more physical issues. If an illness or other physical problem limits what we can do sexually, sometimes seniors just give up on sex.

In most cases, there are always other options open for being sexual. It may be that you won’t be able to have sex in the same manner you enjoyed in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have any sex. You have to be open to learning new things, adapt, and move on.

You may not be able to have sex in your 80s the same way you did in your 20s, but you can still have sex.

For instance, if a man loses his ability to get and maintain an erection due to illness or age, some men just give up. Occasionally, there are medical options available that would be known if the man talked to his doctor about the concern.

Even if there are no options for erections, there are still many other types of sexual contact that could be enjoyable for him and his partner. It takes being open to new ideas and behaviors, and a willingness to try something different.

4. Seniors Give Up on Sex Due to Cultural Pressures

Our culture can be very negative regarding senior sexuality. The assumption is that sex is for younger people and is disgusting and pathetic when engaged in by older people.

Unfortunately, sometimes seniors buy into these cultural presuppositions and stop engaging in sex or acting sexy when they get older. They believe it’s somehow “inappropriate” to be a sexual being and a grandmother at the same time.

I live in a senior community with many older people from the upper midwest. Their culture seems to have an unwritten rule that older women should dress in a manner that is not attractive or feminine and makes them look “frumpy,” as my wife says. They go out of their way to deemphasize their sexuality and look as unattractive as possible.

Forget about inaccurate cultural assumptions and do what makes you feel attractive and sexually alive. Wear a sundress when it’s hot out, and choose a hairstyle that’s attractive on you.

I give the same advice to men. You don’t have to always wear baggy dress shorts with a belt and a collared shirt tucked in. Try some other styles that might be more attractive and accentuate your masculinity.

For more details about this topic, see my prior blog posts, Is it “Age-Appropriate” for Seniors to be Sexy? Pt 1, and Is it “Age-Appropriate” for Seniors to be Sexy? Pt 2.

Seniors Don’t Have to Give Up on Sex!

Surveys indicate that most seniors are still having sex. See my earlier blog post, Are Seniors Having Sex? An In-depth Elder Sex Study.

This means that most seniors haven’t given up on sex. If you have, or you’re thinking about giving up, I encourage you to learn about the options available to you and give it another try. Sex is one of the pleasurable things we do. We’re wired that way as humans.

Some people just aren’t interested in sex and never have been. That’s a legitimate choice. But I think many people do receive great pleasure from sex (in addition to all the emotional and health benefits). Don’t easily give up that part of your life without exploring what’s available to you.