3 Things Women Need For Great Sex

Xanet Pailet is a certified sex and intimacy coach, writer, blogger, and teacher. She has counseled hundreds of couples and singles about sexuality. She knows from her experience what women need (and often don’t get) for great sex.

In her book, Living an Orgasmic Life, Xanet writes, “If you are like most women, your unmet needs fall into several different but related categories:

• You don’t feel emotionally connected.

• You don’t like the way your partner touches you.

• You are not getting enough foreplay.”

Men need to be aware of and provide what women need to experience great sex.

If our female partners are going to enjoy sex, we as men need to provide these things for them. Here’s what we can do so they can experience great sex, and we can enjoy their experience as well.

1. Women Need to Have an Emotional Connection with Their Partner

Many women need to feel an emotional connection with their partner before they can have fulfilling, enjoyable sex. They need to feel their partner cares about them. This connection doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be in love or know each other for a long time, it just means she feels a mental or emotional connection with you.

An emotional connection makes it possible for a woman to surrender herself to her sexuality.

How can men provide the mental connection women desire? Be open and vulnerable with her about who you are — your feelings, your thoughts, and opinions. Express your desire for her, how she makes you feel, how she turns you on. Let her know you like and appreciate her.

In other words, provide a mental and emotional connection for her before you initiate a sexual connection.

2. Women Need to Receive Touch that is Enjoyable

Not all women are the same. The touch that one woman enjoys may not be enjoyable to another woman. Your sexual “signature moves” may not be equally pleasurable for all women. You need to adapt to the unique desires of each woman.

If you’ve been in a long relationship, arousal patterns can change over time. Physical changes after menopause can affect the way certain touch feels. What turned her on when she was 25 may not turn her on when she’s 55.

Not all women enjoy the same kind of touch; find out what she enjoys.

Find out what she enjoys, and what she doesn’t enjoy. Here’s how to find out:

• Ask her what kind of touch she likes.
• Watch her body language. If she likes something, she will likely respond with heavier breathing, moving the place you’re touching closer to you or making pleasurable sounds. If she’s not liking it, she may pull away or move your hand. Stay aware and read her body language!
• Ask her to touch herself the way she enjoys while you watch. Then, touch her the same way she touches herself.
• Ask her to guide your hand to touch her in a way that feels good to her.
• Stay aware of and sensitive to her body language. As she becomes aroused, she may desire a different kind of touch.
  

Women can help guide men to give them the touch they desire:

• Tell him if you like what he’s doing.
• Tell him if you don’t like what he’s doing. There are positive ways to do this without making him feel bad or hurting his feelings. “It would feel better if you touched me lighter there.” “I’d love it if you sucked gently on my nipple.”
• Move his hands or mouth where you want him.
  

3. Women Need Enough Foreplay to Prepare for Intercourse

Foreplay is “any sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse.” WebMD. This includes kissing, touching, cuddling, and talking.

Most men don’t give their partners enough foreplay to prepare them for sex. It’s a common saying that when it comes to sex, men are like microwaves, ready to go at the push of a button.

According to Xanet Pailet, “most men assume a woman’s arousal is just like theirs. Touch her clitoris and nipples, and she’s ready to go.” While it’s true some women are like this, most are not.

Women need lots of foreplay to be ready for sex.

While most men might be like a microwave, most women are like an oven — they need time to slowly warm up from the outside in. Most men desire sex, then arousal follows.

However, it’s not that way for most women: “Studies have also shown that for many women, desire follows arousal – not the other way around as it is for men.” Cockfidence, by Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. This means men need to give enough foreplay to women to turn them on before they will desire sex.

Guys, if you think you’re doing enough foreplay, you’re probably not. I know, because even though I know better, when I get aroused I’m often guilty of rushing too fast to penetration. Slow down, and take the time necessary to fully arouse her before jumping to sex.