The Joy of Sex

The Joy of Sex Book

The Joy of Sex, by Dr. Alex Comfort, is the most helpful and practical sex book my wife and I have read. In 1973, my sister-in-law shared her copy of the book with my wife and I. We’d only been married for about a year and were both virgins when we married. We didn’t know a lot about sex.

It was terrific, the best sex education we had ever received! It contained scores of very explicit drawings of people having sex in ways we knew about and lots of ways we’d never thought about. Of course, after learning about them, we needed to try them all out.

For us, The Joy of Sex gave us the information we needed to learn about the sexual options open to us, and how we could give sexual pleasure to each other. It’s unfortunate that in our culture young people receive information about basic biology, but almost nothing about how to be a good lover.

We grew up in a culture that had sexual messages everywhere, but also made people feel guilty and shameful about sex.

But one of the best things the book did was to present us with a sex-positive and open attitude and highlight the true joy of sex. Note the name of the book was not, “Learning about Sex,” or “Sexual Education,” but rather “The Joy of Sex.”

We grew up in a culture that had sexual messages everywhere, but also made people feel guilty and shameful about sex. The Joy of Sex gave us a different model of how to think about sex. We needed a mind of joyous sexuality.

Sex is Meant to be Joyous

• There is nothing that feels as good or creates as much joy as good sex. Yes, we’d say it’s even better than chocolate! And it costs nothing and is available to virtually everyone in one form or another. We as humans can enjoy sex with a partner or with ourselves.
  
• Our bodies are constructed to find joy in sex. As far as we know, a woman’s clitoris has no other purpose than to give sexual pleasure.
  
• One of the joys of sex is that it binds you to a person you share sex with in a way nothing else does. It’s my understanding that when we experience sex and orgasm, our bodies release certain hormones into our bloodstream, including one commonly referred to as the “bonding” hormone. That doesn’t mean you’re in love or in a committed relationship, but it does join two people in a unique relationship, even if they part ways afterward. You always think differently about someone you’ve had sex with.
  
• As human animals, we are wired to find joy and pleasure in sex. It’s who we are. It doesn’t help to try to suppress or deny our sexuality. It likely will still find a way to come out. (Remember “life will find a way” in Jurassic Park?) Sex will find a way. Think about the religious leaders in the news who strongly taught sex was morally wrong for singles or for married people outside their relationship. Many were subsequently found to have their own hidden illicit sexual activity in contradiction to their teachings. The draw and urge was just too strong to resist.
  

The Sexual Joy Killers

1. Guilt. In our culture, there are many who teach that sex is wrong unless it occurs in very restricted circumstances. And unfortunately, some of that teaching comes across in a way that infers that all sex for pleasure is wrong.

For years the Catholic Church taught that sex was morally OK only for the purpose of having children. Sex for the joy or pleasure of it alone was condemned.

The message that came across to many people in our culture was that sex was only morally correct if it served another higher purpose, and that sex itself was basically wrong, dirty, nasty, and inappropriate for morally upstanding people.

In the conservative church culture that my wife and I grew up in, sex was all about guilt. Except within marriage, any sexual thoughts or desires were condemned as sin, and having sex outside of marriage was a straight ticket to hell.

2. Shame. Many of us were sexually shamed as children. Children have a natural fascination and freedom in exploring their sexuality. It’s normal for children to touch their genitals and discover that it feels good.

When parents discover their children touching themselves, their reaction is not commonly talking to the children about sexuality (and appropriate places to be sexual), but rather shaming the child and leaving the strong message that touching themselves sexually is wrong. Likewise, young women who dress in a “sexy” manner or show too much skin are shamed by parents and others by being called sluts.

Children in our culture are shamed for sexual thought or touching.

In addition, there is a lot of religious and cultural teaching that is sex-negative. We live in a retirement community with a lot of people who moved here from the upper midwest. Apparently, that culture is very sex-negative, if the frumpy dress of many women is any indication. They seem to want to make themselves as sexually unattractive as possible.

The only way to talk about sexual guilt and shame is to talk to others openly about it. If guilt and shame keep you from enjoying sexual life, I’d recommend you see a good non-judgmental counselor who can help you walk through your thinking and behavior. Become a part of a sex-positive community, and read sex-positive books and articles.

A counselor can help you overcome negative thoughts about sex centered on guilt and shame.

It’s probably not possible for us to completely remove all sense of sexual guilt and shame. As humans, we are very susceptible to feelings of shame about sex, and those feelings are often deep-seated. However, with help, they can be reduced to a point where they don’t interfere with your joy of sex.

An excellent resource discussing the sources and effects of sexual shame and guilt is the book, Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure. The author, counselor Xanet Pailet, suffered through the negative effects of sexual shame herself and has helped many of her clients to move beyond sexual shame to find lives of orgasmic joy.

Claim Your Sexual Joy

There’s no question that sex was meant to be joyous and pleasurable. We are mentally wired to seek sexual joy, and our bodies are built to experience sexual joy. We simply need to allow ourselves to experience and cherish that joy.

We all experience feelings of shame and guilt about sex. Our parents, culture, and religious teaching have ingrained those feeling from an early age. Counseling can help if they are so strong they keep you from experiencing sexual joy.