How to Determine What You Want in Your Sex Life

We Need to Take a Sexual Inventory

Are you happy with your sex life as it is? As elders interested in sexuality, our goal is to have a fulfilling, joyous, and pleasurable sex life. The first step in reaching that goal is to take a self-sexual inventory. If we don’t know where we are now regarding our sexuality, we don’t know what direction to go in to improve our sex lives, or what would improve our sex lives.

We need to know where we are sexually before we can know how to improve our sex lives

We need to take an inventory of where we are sexually. What turns us on? What sexual practices do we enjoy and not enjoy? What would we like to experience, and what are our desires and fantasies? Are we satisfied with our present sexual life, or do we need to make some changes?

One popular tool for taking a sexual inventory is the “Yes, No, Maybe” inventory of sexual practices. There’s one you can review (and print out) by counselor Diana Sadat, and a more detailed one by Heather Corinna and CJ Turett. It might also be useful to take the “What Turns us On” sex test.

“Your likes and dislikes in the bedroom are constantly evolving, based on your experiences, new or changing relationships, and your own personal development.” Vanessa Marin

Sometimes we’re not sure what we want sexually. As we age, what turned us on in the past may not be what turns us on now. That’s good for us to know, but we also need to be able to tell our partners what works for us and that things have changed. As Joan Price says in her book Naked at Our Age, “Many times, communication breaks down when the old ways don’t work anymore. We don’t want to hurt or offend a partner who’s trying so hard to give us pleasure, so we might not start a conversation about what we need now. But we need to communicate to our partner how we’re experiencing sensation differently.”

If you’re having a difficult time defining what you like in bed or answering a partner who asks you, there’s an article by Vanessa Marin that provides some guidance, “How to Figure Out What You Like in the Bedroom.” In this article, she makes several helpful suggestions:

• Start simple
• Look to your experiences
• Explore on your own
• Be willing to experiment
• Focus on your experience
• Stay open
  

Our Sexual Blueprint Restricts our Sexuality with Shame

It’s also helpful to explore your own “sexual blueprint” to better understand the factors that govern your relationship with your sexuality and how you relate to others sexually. Our sexual blueprints were drawn up when we were much younger. Unfortunately, our blueprints are often very negative and even years later restrict our enjoyment of sexuality. Xanet Pailet, in her book Living an Orgasmic Life, suggests your sexual blueprint might be based on these elements:

• Messages you received about sex as a child from parents, other adults, and society (sex is “dirty” and “nasty,” or sexual education that was fear-based or absent)
• Early childhood sexual exploration with yourself and others (being shamed or punished if caught masturbating)
• Your first sexual experiences
• Religious ideology or indoctrination (sex is sinful, morally evil)
  

As a result of the negative experiences which formed our sexual blueprint when we were young, most of us feel shame around sexuality. It’s important to recognize that these feelings often come from our negative interactions with other people when we were younger, and are likely false.

“Our bodies are a source of pleasure, and our physiology supports the argument that we are meant to experience pleasure. But when we got older and want to touch ourselves, an element of shame often seeps in, spoiling our experience of bodily pleasure” – Xanet Pailet

If we continue to accept and act on these beliefs as adults, we restrict our pleasure and enjoyment of sex. Xanet Pailet asks, “If you were to rid yourself of those false beliefs, how would that impact your sexuality? Your sexual blueprint is key to understanding and changing your relationship with sex and intimacy.”

Embrace and Express Your Sexuality

By taking a sexual inventory, you’ve defined what you like and don’t like sexually. Perhaps you’ve also identified some new activities you’re interested in trying. By thinking about your sexual blueprint, you’ve identified some sources of the sexual shame that restricts your enjoyment of sex.

“Most of us need to commit ourselves to continuing sex education as adults” – Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D.

One of the best things you can do for your sexual life is to be open to continual sexual education during your life. Many of us received very little sexual education when we were young, and much of that was negative. We may have been taught about sexual physiology, but nothing about how to give and receive sexual pleasure.

As we age, our sexual desires and responses will likely change. Just be open to learning and changing. As Alexandra H. Solomon wrote, “Be gentle with yourself. You have your whole lifetime to become more and more sexually self-aware. Because you are always growing and changing as a person, you will need to figure out again and again who you are as a sexual person.”

Quincy Malesovas, in her article, “How to Embrace Your Sexuality in a Healthy Way,” has several suggestions to help you find your inner sexual being and let him/her loose:

• Do things that make you feel good (bubble bath, sunset walk, favorite music)
• Look at yourself naked (get comfortable with your body, focus on what you love about your body)
• Touch and be touched (hugs, massage, erotic touch)
• Keep lists of what you like sexually, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want
• Eliminate false ideas in the media and our culture about what sex should or should not be as an elder
• Learn about sex positivity
  

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