Sexual Fantasies for Seniors

According to sex educator Justin Lehmiller, PhD, “A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake that ultimately turns you on.”

It’s perfectly normal to have fantasies about sex, and have them often.

If you worry you’re abnormal because you think (even a lot) about sexual situations, don’t fret. It’s completely normal for people to fantasize about sex. It’s the way we’re wired. Surveys indicate that 97%-98% of people report having sexual fantasies, and often.

If the thought of your parents or grandparents having sexual fantasies is shocking, you need to adjust your view of reality. Sexual fantasies are not just for the young.

Common Sexual Fantasies

In 2018 internationally recognized sex educator Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., completed a comprehensive scientific study on fantasies. He reported his findings in the book, “Tell Me What You Want.”

He discovered that there were 7 main fantasy themes people thought about:

• 1. Multi-Partner Sex. The #1 fantasy for both men and women was to be involved in a threesome, either two men and one woman, or two women and one man. Common fantasies also included having group sex or one woman with multiple men.
• 2. Power, Control, or Rough Sex. This was the overall #2 fantasy. It includes BDSM, which stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission. We’re imagining being sexual while tied up, or with someone who is tied up.
  • Most women fantasize about being forced to have sex. It’s not that they really want to be raped, but it turns them on to think that a man desires them so much that he’d force her.
• 3. Novelty, Adventure, and Variety. Adventure includes having sex in unusual locations, such as on a beach or other outdoor locations. Novelty and variety have to do with engaging in a sexual position or activity that you don’t ordinarily do. That might be anal sex, oral sex, the 69 position, or something else depending upon what is typical in your sex life.
• 4. Non-Monogamy. Partnered people fantasize about having sex with other people, or their partners having sex with other people. Normally, this is not about cheating, but with the consent of both partners.
• 5. Taboo and Forbidden Sex. This can be anything that is considered weird or odd by people, or maybe even illegal. Foot fetishes, non-consensual voyeurism or exhibitionism, or anal sex could fit this category.
• 6. Passion and Romance. More women than men fantasize about romantic situations and having men lose control due to their sexual passion to possess them. Think popular romance novels. This is about emotional fulfillment and feeling desired and connected with another person.
• 7. Erotic Flexibility. Many people fantasize about having sex with someone of the same gender.
  

The Benefits of Sexual Fantasy

1. Fantasy prepares you for sex. One benefit of fantasy is that it prepares you mentally for sex. It’s often said that 90% of sex happens between your ears. Sexual fantasies turn you on and spark your sexual desire and attitude. Thinking about sex leads you to want sex, either with yourself or a partner.

2. Fantasy indicates what turns us on. What we fantasize about can give us clues as to what sexual topics really turn us on. We get used to doing the same things all the time and aren’t even aware that we’re interested in different sexual activities. If we’re fantasizing about an activity, maybe it’s something we’d want to do?

3. Fantasy lets you safely explore your sexuality. Unless you choose to share a sexual fantasy with a friend or lover, it only takes place in your mind. You might not feel safe or be safe acting out a sexual fantasy in real life. It’s one thing to fantasize in your mind about being forced to have sex, where you control everything that happens. It’s entirely different to put yourself in a situation where you lose control and are subject to someone else’s control.

What Should We Do About Sexual Fantasies?

1. Just enjoy fantasies as fantasies. Just because you have a favorite sexual fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do anything to live it out in real life. You can use sexual fantasy to turn you on and help you get “over the top” to orgasm when playing with yourself or with a partner.

2. Role-Play the fantasy. You might want to do more than just be content with having a fantasy in your mind. You might want to try making it more real by role-playing the fantasy.

To accomplish this, you’ll have to share your fantasy and what you have in mind with a close friend or lover. It can take courage to share fantasies with others — you’ll likely fear that they will think you’re depraved, perverted, or just crazy if you tell them about your fantasy. Remember that virtually everyone has sexual fantasies, and it’s completely normal.

Once you’ve communicated your fantasy and have their agreement to participate, you can set up the scenario. For instance, imagine a woman who fantasizes about picking up a man at a bar and having a one-night stand. She might arrange with her lover to come into a bar where she’s sitting, act like he doesn’t know her and flirt with her, and attempt to seduce her. She could invite him up to her room, where he rips off her clothes and has passionate sex with her.

3. Seek opportunities to live out a fantasy. If you choose to do so, you can also seek and experience your fantasy in real life. If you have a partner, you’ll need to communicate a lot about it in advance. Then, go slow. Think about not only what could go very right, but also about what could go very wrong. Take your time.

If your fantasy goes well, and you have a great time, then you’ve added a new option to your sexual life. If it doesn’t go well or as you expected, then you can evaluate whether you want to try it again or not. If not, you don’t have to do it again.