Sexual Consent for Seniors Pt 2: Different Ways of Gaining Consent and Factors that Invalidate Consent

October 31, 2021

In last week’s post, I described why consent was important, what it means to have consent, and the limits of consent. My post today discusses the different ways of gaining consent, and when an “agreement” is not consent.

Different Ways of Gaining Consent

A few years ago, my wife and I attended a sexuality workshop that addressed consent. This group taught that a specific verbal request and specific verbal permission must be given for each activity. It went like this: “May I touch your hand?” “Yes, you may.” “May I touch your arm?” “Yes, you may.” “May I touch your shoulder?” Yes, you may,” “May I touch your hair?” “Yes, you may.” And so on for every circumstance of touching.

To us, this regimented, formal approach seemed a bit extreme, awkward, and ridiculous. Lanette said that kind of exchange would likely kill any romantic interest before it had a chance to get started! I can understand the desire for consent to be specific and clear, but this kind of approach ignores that people can communicate clearly in other ways than just asking and answering a series of questions. According to the international sexual health organization Avert, consent can be indicated with “physical cues like letting out a sigh, reciprocating with a similar touch, looking at your partner in the eye and smiling to let them know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level.”

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network suggests many different ways to indicate consent:

  • Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
  • Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
  • Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.
  • Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking, “Is this still okay?”
  • Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.
  • Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
  • Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level.

In our culture, it’s often expected that the man will be the sexual initiator

In our culture, with heterosexual couples, it’s often expected by both parties that the man will initiate sexual touching, and will escalate to sex. Often the woman has a desire to be “taken” and “seduced” by the man (all with her consent) and would be turned off by him asking a series of yes and no questions for each activity.

In this situation, it would be much more effective for the man to tell his partner that he wants her to be comfortable with anything they do, and if she’s not comfortable to tap his arm and he’ll stop. With this arrangement, the couple is agreeing that the man will initiate and escalate sexual touching, and the woman gives her consent to his touch unless she indicates she is not comfortable with it.

Another approach that avoids the awkwardness of constantly asking and answering questions is for the man to check in with her along the way with statements about what he’d like to do, such as, “I’d love to kiss you,” or “I want to take your shirt off.” This gives the woman to give her feedback about whether the specific touch has her consent or not. She can give that consent verbally, or with a smile or action.

Factors that Invalidate Consent

Any consent must be voluntary, knowing, and freely given, with no coercion or threats. There is no consent if a person is unconscious, drunk, or high on drugs.

Consent must be voluntary, knowing, and freely given

According to the American Sexual Health Association, coercion that nullifies consent includes:

  • When a person persistently attempts to have sexual contact with someone after refusal.
  • When someone badgers, yells, or holds a person down to have sexual contact.
  • When someone pressures or threatens another to agree to sexual contact because they are in a relationship (Ex: “If you love me, you would do this.” “If you don’t have sex with me, I will just go find someone who will.”)
  • When someone reacts with sadness or anger when another says no. (Ex: “If you don’t have sex with me, you don’t love me.”)

Getting Consent for Sex

We need to have consent before being sexual with another person. What consent looks like can take many forms. On one end of the spectrum, that can be asking and answering specific questions at each stage of sexual escalation. On the other end, it can be an agreement between two people that one will take the lead in sexual escalation and will stop if the other person indicates they are uncomfortable with what they are doing.

As long as consent is clearly communicated, it’s up to the people involved to determine what method of consent they’d prefer to use. Consent can be an art form. As Georgie Wolf says in her book, The Art of the Hook Up, “Get consent before you do something without making it weird and awkward. It’s not about saying ‘can I x your y?’ every minute. It’s about showing your intentions- moving in to kiss them gradually, so they have time to say no, for example. You should also ask, but there are sexy ways to do it. Player One: ‘I’d love to put my arms around you right now.’ Player Two: ‘I want that too.’”

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