Sexual Consent for Seniors Pt 1: The Definition and Limits of Consent

With the recent focus on sexual abuse and the #MeToo movement, there has been a renewed interest in the topic of consent. It’s something we may have taken for granted in the past, but it’s a topic that is worth taking a detailed look at. If we’re going to engage in sexual behavior, we need to have the consent of the participants.

What exactly is consent? What does it look like? Are there different ways to communicate consent, and if so, what are they? Are there limits to consent?

What is Consent?

Consent is all about communication.

Consent is a knowing and freely given agreement between the participants to engage in sexual activity

Consent is a knowing and freely given agreement between the participants to engage in sexual activity. You must have consent to engage in any type of sexual activity. This includes touching, kissing, fondling, oral sex, or intercourse. By getting consent before acting you show that you respect the other person and don’t want to go beyond their boundaries.

Consent doesn’t necessarily mean asking and receiving permission for each specific touch or act. It doesn’t have to be awkward or weird to gain consent. I’ll be writing in more detail about different methods for gaining consent in Pt 2 of this series, to be posted next Sunday morning.

Sexual activity without consent is wrong and illegal and may be prosecuted as a crime. So it’s important to get this right and make sure there’s been good communication. Lately, there’s been a lot of focus on consent due to concerns about sexual abuse and the #metoo movement.

The Limits of Consent

Agreement to One Sexual Activity is Not Agreement to Every Activity

When a person agrees to one sexual activity, it does not mean they give permission for other activities. As the international sexuality educational organization Avert states on their website, “Likewise, giving consent for one type of sexual activity doesn’t mean giving consent for going further. Agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t mean you’ve said “yes” to them taking your clothes off, for example.”

It’s necessary to get a separate agreement for each specific sexual act or a comprehensive agreement that includes the acts. You can’t just assume that because the person gave their consent to one act, everything is fair game.

Consenting Once Does Not Mean Consent in the Future

Just because a person gives consent for sexual activity on one occasion does not necessarily mean they give consent for that activity in the future. “Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future. It’s important to discuss boundaries and expectations with your partner before engaging in any sexual behavior.” Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

Consent Can be Withdrawn at Any Time

A person giving consent to sexual activity has the right to withdraw that consent at any time. That’s true even if you’ve already begun the activity, or you’ve done it 100 times before with consent. If the person indicates they no longer agree to the behavior, you must stop and respect their wishes.

Mark Manson, in his book Models, suggests you not take offense if someone refuses to consent, but ask why the person is uncomfortable. It may be that you’re moving too fast, or the person is feeling overwhelmed. “Always respect her boundaries and clarify as early as possible what she’s comfortable with and what her expectations are.”

Next week, in Pt 2, I will discuss different ways of gaining consent and factors that invalidate consent.

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