Sex and The Single Senior; Self-Pleasuring for Women

This article was written with the active involvement of my partner, Lanette. She ensured a female perspective was reflected as well as mine.

It’s not unusual for elders to be single, without a sexual partner. Some elders never marry, while others have suffered the death of a partner or a divorce. Since men tend to die at a younger age than women, the number of single women can rapidly increase in our age group as we grow older.

Self-Pleasuring is Sex

Many single elders, unfortunately, assume that since they don’t have a partner, sex is not a possibility for them. They assume that “sex” means only penis-in-vagina penetration during intercourse, but sexual pleasure is much broader than that.

Sex is not just penetration.

Different people have different definitions for what constitutes sex. Sex can include many other acts besides intercourse, such as oral sex, and self-pleasuring. Masturbation is not just a “fallback” or “settle for” sexual activity, but is an activity that can bring great sexual pleasure and has value in itself. It’s a fact that many people with sexual partners still masturbate regularly. It’s just another form of sex.

Just because you’re single woman doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sexual pleasure!

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sexual pleasure! Sexually pleasuring yourself is one option that is always available regardless of your relationship status. As senior sexpert Joan Price writes in her blog article, “Senior sex isn’t just partner sex. Many of us don’t have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and health(y) is crucial for many reasons. It’s true that if we don’t use it, we lose it — and that’s true for any gender.”

How Women can Self Pleasure

Women typically use their hands or fingers or sex toys such as vibrators or dildos to stimulate their vulva and clitoris or to penetrate their vagina. There’s not a right or wrong way to do it; whatever works best for the individual in giving the most enjoyable sexual pleasure is right for you. Unless it’s what you seek, self-pleasuring doesn’t have to be about reaching orgasm. Just enjoying sexual pleasure and feelings can be more than enough.

How to Prepare the Setting

Before beginning a self-pleasuring session, take the time to prepare your ideal setting. Preparing the setting can include these factors:

• Turn off your phone or tablet or put them in another room, so they won’t distract you. If there’s a TV in the room, turn it off.
• Ensure your privacy by locking the door.
• Select a location that is comfortable for you; this might include a bed, a sofa, or chair, or in a bathtub.
• Take a bath or shower in advance to help you relax.
• Light some candles or lower the lighting.
• Put on some soft or sexy music.
• Wear favorite lingerie or whatever makes you feel sexy.

Let Your Mind Go Sexy

It’s OK to fantasize while you’re self-pleasuring. Set the stage for sexy thinking by reading some erotica or a romance novel, or watching a porn film. Think about whatever it is that turns you on.

Popular women’s fantasies include threesomes, being dominated, sex with an attractive friend or movie star, sex with a stranger, or sex with another woman. Remember that fantasizing about a scenario that turns you on doesn’t necessarily mean you’d actually want to do it in real life. Let go of any sexual shame that may come up.

Warm up with Whole Body Touch

Many areas of your body are sensitive to sexual stimulation. You might want to use some silky lubricant such as water-based Astroglide or Coconut Oil to increase sensitivity.

Experiment by lightly touching your face and neck, your inner thighs, your sides, and your hips. Caress your breasts and nipples to see what kind of touch feels best. Focus on those areas that give you the most pleasure.

When you’re ready, focus on your vulva. Stroke the fold between your leg and your vulva. Feel your labia and clitoris and see what kind of touching increases your arousal. Try using a different way of moving your hand or fingers on your vulva than you typically do. Get in a different position than you usually use. For instance, you can give yourself pleasure on your back, on your stomach, or on your hands and knees.

Sex Toys for Her

There are lots of sex toys available, and they are readily available from reputable online sex stores or Amazon. Many women regard the cordless Hitachi Magic Wand as, “the mother of all vibrators.” It has a powerful vibration that is perfect for some women, but a bit overpowering for others. If it’s too strong for you, use a folded towel as a buffer.

Another sex toy with a large following is The Womanizer, a toy that takes a different approach from vibrators. Instead, it tries (and many women say very effectively does so!) to replicate the sucking sensation of oral sex on the clitoris. Some women report using this toy to trigger orgasm in 15 seconds or less!

Both of these toys are somewhat expensive, but Lanette says they’re worth every penny! In addition to these toys, there are many others including vibrating eggs that are inserted into the vagina, cylinder-shaped vibrators that can be used both inside and outside the vagina, and silicone dildoes for penetration. The list is endless. For more information on using vibrators, see The Seniors’ Updated Guide to Vibrators.

Self-Pleasuring in the Bath

Sexual pleasuring in the bath is another approach that many women find enjoyable. You can use a waterproof vibrator like the Minna Limon. Or, you can let the force of water do the work by using a detachable showerhead or faucet to bring intense stimulation and orgasm. Fingers also work well in the warm, slippery context of a bath.

Pleasure for One

Self-pleasuring can be a great way to maintain an active sex life and enjoy sexual pleasure when don’t have a partner. With all the variations available, it never has to become boring or routine. Self-pleasuring can give great sexual enjoyment and satisfaction on its own; it’s not just what you have to “settle for” when you’re alone.

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