Sex After Grief

I can’t write from experience about this topic because I’ve never re-engaged with sex after the death of a partner. Fortunately, some who have done so have shared their thoughts and experiences as authors.

“Sex After Grief” is the name of a short book by senior sexuality writer and speaker Joan Price. It’s available on Amazon in Kindle format for $11.99, or in paperback for $14.27.

Price was in a deeply bonded relationship when her husband died after an illness. She experienced deep grief. Even though she was a sex educator, she struggled to find her sexuality again.

When she wrote the book, she had been on her “grief journey” for 10 years. She speaks from experience.

My purpose in writing is to give you an idea of the topics covered in her book. I’m not going to review it in-depth, but just cover the highlights that stood out for me. If you’re interested in learning more, I suggest you read this short book.

No One Talks About Sex After Grief

A part of Price’s preparation to write this book was to read many books about the process of grief after losing a spouse. To her surprise, almost none of them talked about sex after grief.

She wrote this book to help others grieving after the loss of a lover. One of the biggest strengths of her book is her attitude of being nonjudgmental. “You’ll read about some options that are clearly not your style or don’t fit your beliefs. Please avoid condemning others who choose those paths. There’s a difference between saying, “This would not be right for me,” and “You shouldn’t do this either.””

Myths About Sex and Grieving

Price discusses a number of myths people hold about sex and grieving. Among them are:

• It’s not really sex you’re missing: it’s touch. The reality is that most people miss touch, but also miss touch, arousal, and orgasm. It’s not helpful to deny sexual desire.
• Wait at least a year before having sex with a new partner. There is no one rule about when it’s best to resume sex with a partner. Every person is ready for sex at different times.
• Sex with someone new is disloyal to your deceased loved one. It’s not. If you took a vow for sexual faithfulness, it was for life with your partner, and not forever. You’re not showing love or loyalty to a deceased partner by denying yourself sexual pleaure and fulfillment.
• You should wait until you’re no longer grieving. There is no “end” to grieving, it will likely continue the rest of your life. What changes over time is the intensity of the grief.
• Casual sex or sex with multiple partners is wrong and shameful. If you believe casual sex or sex with multiple partners is morally wrong, don’t do it. But please don’t judge others who as adults choose different sexual behaviors.
• We can only love once. I’m done now. Most people find that they can love both their deceased spouse and someone new.
  

Getting Back into Sexuality

Price emphasizes people have very different experiences of grief and their desire for sex after grief, and their sexual behaviors. There is no one experience or way of dealing with grief and sexuality.

She includes chapters on:

• Sex and being a caregiver. Some caregivers who can’t enjoy a sexual relationship with their ill spouse choose to be sexual with others. Also, because they began the grieving process before their spouse died, they may be ready earlier than others to resume their sexual lives.
• Solo sex. The best thing you can do to stay sexually active when unpartnered while grieving is to self-pleasure. Use a vibrator or your hands to enjoy the benefits of orgasm even if you don’t feel like it.
• Dating again. When you’re ready to resume dating, you’ll need to get involved in activities to meet people or use online dating services.
• Your (new) first time. Your first time to have partnered sex can be scary. You don’t know how your body or your feelings will respond. Try to let go of expectations and just enjoy the moment.
• It’s not all or nothing. If you decide to be sexual with a partner, you don’t have to do everything. Just kissing or touching is fine if that feels right.
  

Options for Sexual Relationships

Price also includes discussions on different types of sexual relationships available to ease you back into your sexuality:

• Pilot light lover. “The Pilot Light Lover” is the person who lights up your sexual arousal and takes your body from icy numbness to fiery excitement. This may become a relationship that lasts, but it’s usually temporary, and that doesn’t matter.”
• One-night stands. They can make you feel desirable again, and reaffirm that you have the ability to enjoy sexual pleasure.
• Friends with benefits. Not love, not a commitment or expectations for the future. Rather, friends with benefits are people with whom you have a friendship connection, with who you can share sexual pleasure.
• Erotic massage from a sex worker. “On my sixty-sixth birthday, after a year and a half of celibacy (other than my sex toys), I bought myself an erotic massage. It was the best gift ever. I wasn’t ready for reciprocal sex with a partner, and I wasn’t ready for intercourse. But I was ready for the physical and emotional bouquet of pleasures that I received from this massage…”
  

Where to Seek Help with Grieving and Sex

• Grief counselors.Grief counselors can help you to navigate the overwhelming feelings of grief. Find one that you can talk to openly about your sexual desires and needs.
• Support groups. Some support groups are open to discussing sexual issues, some are not.
• Sex coaches. A sex coach or sex surrogate is a professional who can help you to ease back into your sexuality.
  

Get the Book!

This book is well-written and covers many key topics dealing with the general subject of sex after grief. It’s written from a practical standpoint and gives readers a number of options and ideas. I highly recommend it to any person struggling to reinvent their sexual life after the death of a partner.

If you’re interested in one or more of the topics I’ve listed, I suggest you get a copy of the book. It’s fairly inexpensive and a great value for the price. As listed above, Kindle electronic format and paperback format are available on Amazon.

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