Kinky Sex: Power Play, Bondage, and Pain, Oh My!

When the book Fifty Shades of Grey was released in 2011, it became an instant hit. American housewives and career women alike were turned on by thoughts of being tied up, sexually controlled, and receiving kinky pain.

This led many people to experiment with elements of kinky sex, or BDSM, for the first time. Lovers tried tying their partner to the bed, or binding their hands behind their back, and found that it added a new level of excitement in the bedroom. Others played with the concept of power play, maybe even role-playing Master and Slave.

These practices are known collectively by the shorthand term BDSM. BDSM stands for the words “Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism.” The letters D and S can also stand for the concepts of Dominant and Submissive. Together, this abbreviation represents all variations of kinky sex.

Educators and practitioners of BDSM emphasize that any activities require the advanced and knowing consent of the participants. There needs to be a “negotiation” in advance where everyone expresses their needs, desires, and limitations.

How Kinky Sex Can Enhance Your Sex Life

• Power play can allow adults to play at being the person in charge, or the person submitting sexually. For the submissive, it can be freeing (and a turn-on) to give up control and submit to their partner. For the dominant, it can be fun and exciting to be totally in control of a partner, “forcing” their partner to submit to dirty, disgusting, and nasty sexual acts.
  
• Bondage adds a new element to a sexual situation. Some people get off on feeling helpless and at the sexual mercy of another person. Others like the feeling of struggling against their restraints while being sexually stimulated.
  
• Pain and body sensation can also be an element of BDSM play if both participants consent. This can be as gentle as the touch of a feather, or more forceful impact play like a spanking or receiving lashes from a flogger. It can be more “thuddy” or “stingy” (or a combination of the two) depending upon the tool used and the wishes of the person being impacted.
  

Pain to a lesser or greater degree may not be desired by everyone. But some people find that the endorphins produced as a result of pain translate into increased sexual arousal and sensation. As they say, “Different strokes for different folks.”

How to Introduce Kinky Sex into Your Sex Life

• Do some reading and exploring about what’s involved and what your options are. Perhaps you already know some things you’d like to try, like restraining your partner during sex.
• Talk with your lover in advance of acting. “Talk with your lover and make sure you’re both into giving it a try. Even if your sweetie likes surprises, just springing bondage on them mid-sex can be disastrous.” “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by Tristan Taormino.
  Talk with your partner about what you’d each like to do, what limits you each have, and what you want to get out of a kinky session. Get specific consent for each activity you wish to try.
• Agree on “safe words” that either of you can use at any time. My partner and I use the words “red” (stop now), “yellow” (back off, lessen the intensity, slow down), and “green” (everything’s OK). If a person can’t respond verbally because of circumstances, prearrange a physical sign like shaking your head or a specific touch.
  
• Safety is a priority. Don’t tie up your lover and leave them alone.
  
• Go slow. Try some things you’re interested in and see how your partner responds. Are they turned on, or is it a negative for them? Set aside what doesn’t work, keep what does work.
  
• Kinky sex is not something you have to do every time you’re sexual together. But it can be a fun and exciting variation!
  
• Kinky sex may or may not be something you’re interested in. Do enough research to know what your options are. Many people reject kinky sex out of hand because they have preconceptions about it that aren’t accurate.
  

If the thought of being tied up (or restraining your lover) while your partner takes advantage of you sexually turns you on, then give it a try (after talking to your lover about it in advance).

Where to Learn More About Kinky Sex

If you’re interested in exploring the world of BDSM, there are many resources you can learn from.

1. Books and articles.
   

• Exploring BDSM: A Workbook for Couples (or More!) Discovering Kink by Morgan Thorne.
• 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM by Tristan Taormino.
  
• BDSM Basics for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi.
  
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman. Somewhat dated but still has lots of good detailed information.
  
• “BDSM 101,” an article by Kayla Lords.
  
• “The Easiest Ways to Try Kink for the First Time,” an article by Kayla Lords.

2. In larger towns and cities, kinky folks have banded together into interest groups or clubs. You can locate these groups by doing a search on the web for “BDSM club” and the name of your town.

Clubs typically offer social “brunches” at a local bar or restaurant where newcomers can meet people, ask questions, and learn more in a non-threatening setting. After locating a local group online, look at their calendar for scheduled brunches.

Many clubs also offer classes on various aspects of BDSM. Sometimes you have to be a member of the club to attend, sometimes not.