Is Sex With A New Person After Your Spouse Dies Being “Disloyal”?

Joan Price lived through the death of a husband she deeply loved. After his death, it took her a long time to feel sexual again and desire sex with someone new.

She wrote about her experiences in her excellent short book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved. In this book, she talks about a number of myths people believe about sex after grief. The quote above is just one example of such a myth.

Sex After Grief Is Not Wrong Because You Feel Guilty

As Price points out, the surviving spouse often feels “survivor’s guilt” even when there’s no legitimate reason for feeling guilty. It’s normal for people to feel guilty when they lose a loved one. “I could have loved them more,” “I could have done more for them,” and “I could have told them I loved them more,” are all typical thoughts.

But our feelings of guilt shouldn’t be allowed to control our lives after death. We should continue on and live our lives the way we choose to, without denying ourselves sexual pleasure (or any other type of pleasure) because of guilt.

Sex After Grief Is Not the Violation of a Promise to Your Deceased Spouse

Some people feel that having sex with someone new shows disloyalty or disrespect to their deceased spouse. They feel like they’re violating a promise they made to their spouse.

You may have taken a vow to be sexually faithful to your spouse “until death do us part.” However, that vow was never intended to be a vow for the rest of your life when a spouse dies. As Price points out in the quote above, “You didn’t promise ‘after death for eternity thereafter.’”

I’d Want My Wife to Continue Being Sexual

If I die before my spouse does, I don’t want her to deny herself sexual pleasure out of some misguided sense of loyalty to me or feelings of guilt. I’d want her to go on living her life to the fullest and hope that she’d find sexual pleasure with someone else after I’m gone. There’s no reason for her to become a monk after I’m gone, and deny her sexual nature and desires.

I think rather than dishonoring me, her choosing to be sexual with someone new honors the joy and pleasure we shared in our sexual relationship. If she hadn’t enjoyed us being sexual together perhaps she wouldn’t be interested in being sexual after I was gone. Her desire and willingness to continue being sexual with another is a testimony to the enjoyment and pleasure we shared while together.