Is it “Age-Appropriate” for Seniors to be Sexy? Pt 1

The term “age-appropriate” is typically associated with the development of children. It describes social and emotional development, as well as specific behaviors such as walking, talking, etc. As Charlotte Fudge writes, “It helps parents address whether their child is developing normally, as well as what behaviors require discipline and which ones require a good laugh.”

“Age-Appropriate” Becomes Controlling and Judgmental When Applied to Elders’ Sexiness

When the term “age-appropriate” is applied to the sexuality of older adults, it becomes more prescriptive than descriptive. “Age-appropriate behaviors” are no longer developmental guidelines, but rather are “social norms” that are seen as obligatory and judgmental, stating how elders should or should not behave.

They often tend to be expressed in ways that are highly negative and seek to control and restrict the social behavior of elders. An example would be where someone criticizes an elder’s choice of dress on the basis, “That’s just not age-appropriate” because it’s fashionable or attractive. It’s also used to judge and shame the sexual behavior of elders; “It’s just not appropriate for her to be with a much younger man.”

Our Culture Says Seniors Being Sexual is Never Age-Appropriate; Ewwwwww!

In our youth-oriented culture, there are mostly negative stereotypes about aging, including elder sexuality. Many seek to limit and control elder sexuality by defining elder expressions of sexuality as “not age-appropriate.”

It’s not unusual for younger people to assume that elders live celibate lives, and appropriately so. As Heather Vincent Mir has written, “It’s a common misconception that women lose interest in sex in middle and older age.” When I was younger, I made the same incorrect assumptions. “Ewwww, old people with wrinkles and white hair having sex! Gross me out, I don’t even want to think about it!”

Unfortunately, even our medical system often assumes elders are not sexual. Medicare covers HIV testing for anyone ages 15-65. Tests are only authorized for elders over 65 who are, “at an increased risk for HIV.” In other words, your doctor can’t just order an AIDS test for you if you’re over 65 and have Medicare cover it. The doctor also has to justify that you have “an increased risk for HIV,” such as documenting that you have multiple sexual partners or that your sexual partner does. The assumption Medicare makes is that there’s no need for HIV testing for people over 65 because they’re not sexual. You have to prove that you are in order to justify coverage!

Our culture does not take the reality of elder sexuality as legitimate and worthy of support and encouragement. Rather, “In Western culture, the depiction of senior sexuality has traditionally been abandoned to farce or burlesque comedy, mostly as cringe-inducing, inappropriate or even aberrant behavior.” Gail Gallant, How I Learned to Keep Feeling Sexy After 60.

Tragically, many elders internalize sexual shaming in our culture. They consequently limit their sexuality. As Gail Gallant writes, “We no longer feel physically desirable. It’s the price we’ve paid for participating in a culture that fetishizes the aesthetics of youth. It’s all fun and games until we begin to notice our aging.”

While I was browsing on Amazon, I found an example of our culture’s negative attitude toward elder sexuality. There’s a book advertised by Rich Ferguson with the title, “Sex After 60.” One might think from the title that it’s a book filled with helpful tips for having an active and joyous sexual life after 60. Instead, it’s a “gag book” filled with blank pages. The message is that there is no sex after 60.

Studies Prove Elder Sexuality is the Norm, not the Rare Exception

Justin J. Lehmiller is an American social psychologist and author. He is a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, so his area of specialty is sexuality. Lehmiller writes, “Older adults are often assumed to be celibate, but the truth of the matter is that many of us remain sexually active for our entire lives.”

He cites a national survey that found most men (57.9%) and women (51.4%) in their 50s reported having vaginal intercourse in the last year, as did 53.5% of men and 42.2% of women who were in their 60s. “Another finding from this survey worth noting is that many adults in their 70s and beyond were sexually active, too. For instance, 42.9% of men and 21.6% of women aged 70+ reporting vaginal intercourse in the last year.” He adds that his research indicates that while many elders have active sexual lives within marriage, many are involved in unmarried casual sexual relationships.

40% of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active

A 2018 poll by the University of Michigan found that increasing numbers of elders are sexual. According to the study, 40% of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active. “Nearly three-quarters of people in this age range have a romantic partner, and 54 percent of those with a partner are sexually active.” Whether they have an active sex life, nearly two-thirds of older adults say they’re interested in sex, and more than half say sex is important to their quality of life. 84% of older men and 69% of older women said sex was an important part of a romantic relationship.

It is clear from these studies that it is “age-appropriate” for elders to be sexy in the sense that it is normal, typical behavior for elders to be sexual

These studies, and others, demonstrate that our cultural myths about elder sexuality are false. Elders in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond are still sexually active. Although that sexuality may not look the same as what they experienced in their 20s, it is still sexuality that brings joy, intimacy, and pleasure to elders.

It is clear from these studies that it is “age-appropriate” for elders to be sexy in the sense that it is normal, typical behavior for elders to be sexual. It is not right to be considered behavior that is aberrant, perverted, or inappropriate. We are sexual beings and that sexuality doesn’t disappear at a certain age, nor should it.

Next week in Pt 2 we will discuss how our culture needs to make changes in response to the fact that elder sexuality has no expiration date, and that it’s normal for elders to still be sexually active in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond.