How To Communicate With Safe Words While You’re Having Sex

Good communication is the key to having good sex. All people are different and have different sexual profiles and response patterns (what turns them on and how they get orgasms).

It’s a great practice for new partners to communicate to each other about their sexual preferences in advance of a sexual encounter. They need to share what they like, what they don’t like, and what their boundaries are. This can give each partner an idea of what will be pleasurable for their partner, and avoid behaviors that are not welcome.

Good communication is the key to having good sex.

Partners also need to communicate while having sex. Talking in advance will never cover all possibilities, and there are an infinite variety of ways to touch, how much pressure to use, how deep to go, etc.

Communication During Sex Can Be Difficult

• Sometimes people don’t communicate because they are afraid a negative comment might hurt the other person’s feelings. There are good ways and bad ways to tell someone you don’t enjoy what they’re doing. You might say, “Stop doing that, I don’t like it that way!” Or, you could take a less confrontational approach and say, “I’d really love it if you did X this way” and either demonstrate your preferred touch or take their hand and guide them. Both partners will benefit when you give helpful guidance to your lover. It will increase pleasure for you and them.
• When people do communicate, they often do so without speaking but with sounds or movement. Using sounds and movements to communicate during sex can be very effective. A moan or sigh can indicate you really like what they’re doing, pulling away can signify that you don’t like what they’re doing. Sounds and movement can effectively communicate what you’re trying to tell a lover, but not always. If a lover is focused on their pleasure or on performing a particular sexual behavior, they might not pick up on your nonverbal communication. In that case, you’ll have to be more direct and tell them what you want (or do not want).
• During sex, we frequently need to give clear and explicit directions. You might want a lover to go higher or lower, faster or slower, stronger or lighter pressure, slightly change their position, or even change their actions. You might want to tell a partner to keep doing exactly what they’re doing, with no change. Many women need that when they’re approaching orgasm, particularly when receiving oral.
  

How to Use “Safe Words” to Communicate to a Partner During Sex “It’s Good,” “Back Off,” or “Stop!”

When two people in the BDSM community (“kinky” sex typically with bondage, spanking, and other impact play) have sex, they agree ahead of time on several “safe words.” This is of course wise and necessary when people are engaged in sexual practices that might cause physical harm or unwanted pain.

It’s understood that sometimes during sex, people use words and phrases differently and with different meanings than in normal settings. For instance, in a power exchange setting where a man is the dominant and a woman the submissive, the woman may want to role-play being a helpless victim. When she says, “No, please don’t do that, please stop,” she may actually be communicating “Yes, do exactly what you’re doing and keep doing it!”

In those settings, it’s important for the participants to have “safe words” that can communicate outside the role play. There’s a need for clear words that can’t be misunderstood.

Many choose their own unique safe words (such as “aardvark”). Many also borrow the colors of traffic lights to use as safe words:

• Green means, “it’s all good.”
• Yellow means, “back off what you’re doing” and depending upon the behavior could mean less pressure, a lighter touch, a softer touch, etc.
• Red means, “Stop immediately!”
• Sometimes people also agree on a physical sign, like two taps on an arm, for situations when talking isn’t a good option.
  

It would be an excellent practice for all sexual partners, not just those in the BDSM community, to adopt “safe words” and “safe actions” in advance. They can indicate quickly and accurately what you need to communicate, without having to think about how you’re going to say something.

Use safe words like red, yellow, and green to make communication easier while having sex.

Sometimes when I’m giving oral to my wife, I do everything right, and she experiences a great orgasm. I know that at times she’s capable of multiple orgasms. However, if I continue at the same rate and pressure after her orgasm as before, she may be very sensitive, and what before felt wonderful will now feel almost painful. That would be a great time for her to tap my arm or call out, “Yellow” or “Red” depending upon what she wanted.

Of course, for such a system to work, all participants must agree to honor the safe words. In addition, they must act immediately to comply when a safe word or action is used by a partner. If the partner does not immediately honor a safe word, the session stops and there’s a discussion about what went wrong.

Communicate Before and During Sex

You can increase your enjoyment of sex by communicating with your partner about your likes, dislikes, and boundaries before sex. Likewise, you can greatly increase your pleasure during sex if you continue to communicate, letting your partner know what’s working and what’s not working for you.

Adopting “safe words” like red, yellow, and green can make communication easier when in the midst of sex. Using a prearranged physical sign like a tap on the arm to signify “stop” can also be helpful at times when it’s difficult to speak.