How To Bring Passion Back Into a Sexual Relationship

Xanet Pailet is a certified sex coach and educator, and the author of Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure. The above quote was taken from her book.

I find her work and thinking valuable because it’s not based on theory alone, but on an active counseling and coaching practice with real people. She has listened to and learned from her client’s experiences and problems. She doesn’t just parrot the current “politically correct” rhetoric about men, women, and sexuality. Instead, she deals with the reality of where men and women are sexually.

It seems to me that much of today’s rhetoric is attempting to make men more feminine, and women more masculine. While equality is great in the workplace, Pailet recognizes that “The current state of power dynamics between men and women has created havoc in the bedroom.” When men act like women and women act like men, the polarity that’s necessary for sexual desire and heat is missing.

“Sexual attraction is based upon sexual polarity, which is the force of passion that arcs between the masculine and feminine poles…[thus] creating the flow of sexual feeling. This force of attraction, which flows between the two different poles of masculine and feminine, is the dynamism that often disappears in the modern relationship. If you want real passion, you need a ravisher and a ravishee, otherwise you just have two buddies who rub genitals in bed.” David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man.

1. Men Need to Cultivate Strong Masculine Sexual Energy

Much of what I hear in the sex education realm comes from a feminist perspective that is almost anti-male. Men are blamed for suppressing women’s sexuality in the past, for “objectifying” women as sexual objects, and for forcing themselves on women sexually.

Men are encouraged to get in touch with their feminine sides, ask for verbal permission before every touch they might offer women, and suppress their sexual desires and the expression of that desire.

As Pailet writes, “When it comes to sexual dynamics, men get many mixed messages. On the one hand, we tell them, “Be more vulnerable” or, “Tap into your feminine side.” On the other hand, we want to be dominated.”

Instead of suppressing their masculine sexual energy, Pailet sees the need for men to cultivate and demonstrate that energy. In her practice, she sees that sexual energy and desire are sparked by the difference and contrast between masculine and feminine energy.

“When it comes to sexual dynamics, men get many mixed messages.“

Xanet Pailet

Men need to learn again to be in touch with their sexual desires, and not be afraid to express those desires to a woman. They need to take the lead sexually and allow their sexual energy to act.

2. Many Women Want To Surrender Into Strong Masculine Sexual Energy

In contrast to the “strong and independent” sexual women held up as models in our culture, Pailet recognizes that many (if not most) of her female clients want to be with men who have strong masculine sexual energy. They desire to surrender themselves to that energy.

It arouses many women to be the object of a man’s sexual desire, and they “actually enjoy being physically dominated, taken, and ravished by a man.” Pailet writes that at her couples’ workshops, she asks the women in the room, “Who would be turned on if your partner threw you up against the wall and started to ravish you?” Without fail, every female hand in the room shoots up while the men stand around in the room with mouths agape.”

Women often want men to hold strong masculine energy, and want men to “take” them sexually (with their consent).

Obviously, many women’s sexual responses and deep desires do not fit the feminist sexual agenda. That is not to imply that women want to be raped or be forced to have sex against their will.

But it does say that within the bounds of consent, women want men to hold strong sexual energy, and want them to express that sexual energy and desire toward them. It turns many women off to be expected to initiate sex; they want the man to take the first steps and lead them into sex.

While some women want to be asked in advance about each level of touch, many women find it a turn-off. They want a man to instead read their body language and lead them in initiating and deepening sexual contact. She’ll let them know if they cross a boundary.

It takes the combination of strong masculine sexual energy and submissive feminine energy to create the polarity that sets off sexual fireworks. It’s true that opposites attract. Sexual polarity is “where we find attraction, chemistry, and sexual charge.”