How Seniors Can Master Their Sexuality

Good sex is an art form, not just a collection of techniques. As practitioners, our goal is not to just be sexual beings (we’re already that). Our goal is to become masters of our sexuality.

In the excellent book Cockfidence, by Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Hare, the authors discuss how men (and also women) can gain a sense of mastery over their sexual lives.

They make three main suggestions: “Learn everything you can about how your body works sexually, experience your full sexual potential, accept that your performance can have ups and downs, and be able to communicate with your partner about it.”

1. Learn Everything You Can About How Your Body Works Sexually

The first step to learning more about your sexual self is by touching yourself. This is true for both men and women.

Set the scene somewhere comfortable and private, where you can focus on your sensations. Don’t rush directly to your genitals; touch yourself all over first and use different types of touch. Remember, your goal is to explore your body and discover what gives you pleasure. If you’d like more pointers, see my articles about self-pleasuring for men and for women.

Try some ways of touching yourself that are not a part of your normal self-pleasuring routine. Men often learned how to get themselves off quickly when teenagers (and had little privacy), and haven’t varied their technique since then. Instead of rushing right to stroking yourself and cumming as quickly as possible, slow down and try touching other areas first to see what feels good.

Self-pleasuring is the best way to help you learn about how your body works sexually.

What are you fantasizing about when you are masturbating? This tells you what turns you on.

You can also learn about how your body works sexually by having sex with a partner. While you’re having sex, notice what feels good to you and what doesn’t feel good. Be aware of the present and the sensations you are experiencing.

You probably typically touch your partner in a way that you think will give them pleasure. Instead, I suggest you touch them in ways that give you pleasure. This will help you to focus on what you’re feeling and what kinds of touching turn you on. See my post last week on “Touch for Your Own Pleasure.”

2. Experience Your Full Sexual Potential

Most of us were taught to feel shame about our sexual desires. Sex is good and healthy and is not shameful. There’s nothing wrong or dirty or sinful or shameful about enjoying sex.

If you as an adult choose to engage in a sexual behavior you enjoy; that’s your choice and your right. Don’t limit your experimentation because someone else may not approve.

As a start, you might want to take the “Yes/No/Maybe” sexual inventory to define what new sexual behaviors you’d like to try. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to try some with you.

Find out what you want to do and give yourself permission to try it.

Couples tend to get in sexual ruts over time. Try some different ways of touching and different positions. Give yourself permission to experience your full sexual potential.

Think about what sexual fantasies turn you on. Would you like to act out one or more of these fantasies? If you have a partner, share your fantasies with them and see if they’re interested in making them real.

3. Accept Your Performance Ups And Downs, And Talk With Your Partner About It

Sex is complicated. Not only does your body have to function well, but also your mind. If you’re feeling stressed due to work or conflict, you’ll likely have difficulty having sex.

It’s typical for men to have problems getting and keeping an erection when with a woman for the first time. It’s normal to feel stress at these times and to have it affect your ability to perform. Likewise, it can also happen when you’re with a partner you’ve been with several times. Occasionally, it happens for no apparent reason.

The best thing you can do when you’re having performance issues is to talk to your partner about it. If you don’t, your partner may assume that you don’t find them attractive or that somehow it’s their fault.

Talking about performance issues with your partner helps to lessen the tension you are likely feeling about not being able to perform. You likely feel frustrated, embarrassed, and like you let your partner down. It shatters your sexual confidence. Sharing your frustration with your partner helps to defuse the tension.

Talking with your partner about performance issues helps to defuse the tension and frustration.

You’ll likely find that your partner empathizes with your situation and wants to support you. You can take a break, and try some other pleasurable activities together that don’t depend on an erection. Maybe later you’ll be able to perform, maybe not.

Growing Into Mastery

It takes time to become a true master at anything we do. Sex is no exception. Give yourself time to experiment, observe your sensations, and grow. It’s a process.

Keep these steps in mind:

• Learn everything you can about how your body works sexually.
• Experience your full sexual potential.
• Accept your performance ups and downs, and talk with your partner about it.

As a gift for subscribing to our free newsletter, I’d like to give you access to our new guide, “7-Step Checklist for Great Senior Sex.”

I’ll send you the latest blog article each week so you don’t miss out and don’t have to remember to go to the website every Sunday. You’ll receive a down-to-earth article that I have written, designed to help you have an active, enjoyable sex life. When you subscribe, you will also have an opportunity to tell me what you struggle with in senior sexuality, and I will write to address your issue.