How Seniors Can Restart their Sexuality

Sometimes elders stop being sexual due to health issues, the lack of sexual interest by a partner, or the death of a partner. It can seem daunting to get back your sexual groove when you haven’t been sexual in a long time.

I’m afraid that many elders let that stop them from enjoying a sexual life. How do you start again?

Fantasize About Sex

Probably the best thing you can do to get back into being sexual is to fantasize about sex. Some people don’t think they can fantasize, but most probably have at some point. Did you ever anticipate and think about what a sexual hookup might be like? Then you’ve fantasized.

Probably the best thing you can do to get back into being sexual is to fantasize about sex

The goal in growing your fantasy life is to get turned on and get comfortable again with sexual thoughts and feelings. As sexual counselor Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus writes, “You have to figure out what turns you on: who, what, where, when, how. The best way I’ve seen patients learn to do this is by reading erotic literature and honing in on the elements of the stories that seem to turn them on. Then I have them get to work on creating a reel in their head that is exciting to them.”

Read Erotica

Reading erotica is one way to get your sexy mind going

As Dr. Marcus indicates, reading erotica is one way to get your sexy mind going. There are a lot of erotica books available on Amazon.com. Most of these are available in electronic format, so you can instantly download them to your computer or tablet. There are collections of erotica stories such as Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Book 1 (a series of 7 books) edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, or individual books on almost any aspect of sexuality you’d be interested in.

Another great source, free of cost, is the Literotica.com collection online. To browse stories, scroll down to the “site index,” then go to the stories arranged by categories.

Watch Sexy Films

Watching sexy films can also give you ideas for sexual fantasy. You might try films like Body Heat (1981), 9 ½ Weeks (1986), Basic Instinct (1991), Unfaithful (2002), or Fifty Shades of Grey (2015). Or perhaps you have a different favorite movie that gets your juices going. Many of these films are available on online streaming services or can be purchased on DVD, BluRay, or digital form.

Well-done and tasteful porn films can be a direct path to sexual fantasy. I recommend the films and erotic stories and photos on the website FrolicMe. To get full access, you can subscribe for a week, month, or year. Yearly subscriptions are often on sale for 50% off, about $50. Lanette and I think it’s well worth the cost! EricaLust also has a number of high-quality, very sexy films available. We own several and enjoy watching them. You can also purchase DVDs and BluRay porn films on Amazon.com or local sexuality stores.

Top Seven Fantasies

Most people fantasize about sex, and they tend to fantasize about the same things. According to research done by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, the seven most popular sexual fantasies are:

• Multi-partner sex (threesomes, orgies)
• Power, control, and rough sex (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM))
• Novelty, adventure, and variety (sex in a new position or setting)
• Taboo activities
• Passion, romance, and intimacy
• Being in a non-monogamous relationship (swinging, polyamory, cuckolding, or having an open relationship)
• Gender-bending and homoeroticism
  

Play with Yourself

Once you discover what kind of thoughts and scenarios turn you on, it’s natural to self-pleasure yourself while thinking those thoughts. Dr. Kameelah Phillips, an obstetrician/gynecologist in New York, told Considerable regarding her patients, “I also encourage them to masturbate, which can be quite taboo in the senior population. This helps return blood flow to your pelvis, especially to the vagina and clitoris. It can also alert you to any narrowing the vagina has experienced. Self-pleasure also helps remind women that intimacy with a partner can be pleasurable.”

Sexual self-pleasuring can either be done with your hands or with a sex toy. For more details and ideas, see our past blogs on self-pleasuring, “Sex and The Single Elder; Self-Pleasuring for Women,” and “Sex and The Single Elder; Self-Pleasuring for Men.”

Feeling Sexy Again

Elders who have lost that sexual spark can ignite the flames again! The key for many is to start with sexual fantasy. Read erotica and watch sexy films to find out what turns you on. Then construct your most arousing fantasies.

Once you have fantasies that turn you on, play these in your mind as you sexually pleasure yourself. Let the sexual feelings flow and enjoy how pleasurable sex can be.

There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about sex. If the content of your fantasy bothers you because you consider it morally wrong, remember that there’s a big difference between fantasizing about a sexual act and actually doing it.

By using fantasy and sexual self-pleasuring, you can feel sexy and open to sexual pleasure once again. Once you’ve “broken the ice” and regained sexual feelings, you can decide what other sexual activities you’d like to bring back into your life.

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