Is Masturbation OK In a Relationship?

October 16, 2022

The old joke goes, “99% of all men admit masturbating, and the other 1% are liars.” This is true even though most of us grew up in a sex-negative culture.

We were taught that masturbation was a perversion or a weakness in character. In some religious circles, solo sex was considered a sin. And yet, the compulsion to enjoy sexual pleasure overcame the negative message, though it resulted in guilt and shame.

Fortunately, sex educators now view moderate masturbation as normal sexual behavior. It’s often recommended to clients as the best way to learn their sexual arousal patterns. For women, it’s a key to learning how to orgasm.

It’s typical for people to consider masturbation to be an activity for singles. But what about people with partners? Is masturbation OK for people in a relationship?

A Scenario to Set the Scene

Mary and John are busy young professionals. Mary has an 8-5 job outside the home, and John works from their home on his computer.

Mary typically leaves home at about 7:30 and returns home at about 5:30. On the Friday before the Labor Day weekend, Mary’s boss announces that the office is closing at noon and everyone has the afternoon off.

She gets home at about 12:30. She walks in the door, walks down the hallway, and looks in the bedroom where John usually works. He’s not there.

She makes her way to the other side of the living room where the master bedroom is. As she walks into the bedroom hallway, she can see the lower half of John’s body. He’s laying on the bed masturbating.

What’s her reaction? How would you react if you were Mary?

2 Common Negative Reactions To Discovering Your Partner Masturbates

1. A Feeling of Inadequacy.

When one partner discovers their partner engages in solo sex, one typical reaction is a feeling of inadequacy. The partner feels “they are not meeting their partner’s needs.” Christina McGrath Fair, Will Masturbation Hurt Your Relationship?

As a part of our culture’s “Disney Myth,” people sometimes have the expectation that partners will be able to meet all of each other’s needs. It’s unrealistic to think that two people could fully meet each other’s needs.

“Masturbation shouldn’t take the place of sex with your partner—it should be viewed as practice for the big game.” Dr. John Mayer

Normally, a partner has been masturbating almost their entire life, and continuing that practice in a relationship says nothing about whether the partner is meeting their needs. Solo sex is just another way of enjoying sexual pleasure, in addition to partnered sexual pleasure.

If a partner is regularly turning down opportunities for sex with their partner in favor of self-pleasuring, then masturbation may be a problem. Healthy masturbation is an addition to partnered sex in a relationship, not a substitute for it.

2. A Feeling of betrayal.

Some people feel that solo sex is a form of cheating, a betrayal of the relationship. This is especially true when the person masturbating is also fantasizing about sex with someone else or watching porn while masturbating.

“That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.” Dr. John Mayer

There’s nothing wrong with using porn or fantasy as an aid to sexual pleasure. Almost everyone fantasizes about sex, even during sex. There’s a big difference between fantasies about sex and acting on those fantasies. See my post, Sexual Fantasies for Seniors.

Solo sex has many positives within a relationship. Masturbation can make partnered sex better. Typically, the more men and women experience orgasm in solo sex, the more sex they want with their partners.

By practicing sexual stimulation on yourself, you learn about your sexual response patterns and how to best bring about an orgasm. This pays big dividends in partnered sex; you can tell your partner how to arouse you and give you an orgasm.

When my partner uses her vibrator for solo sex, I don’t feel inadequate or like she’s somehow betraying our relationship. Rather, I’m glad she’s enjoying sexual pleasure she can provide herself, and in the process, she’s becoming ever more skilled in achieving orgasm. She also tends to want more sex with me when she has more solo sex: “the more she gets, the more she wants.”

8 Good Reasons to Masturbate While in a Relationship

To enjoy sexual pleasure. Feeling sexual pleasure is a perfectly acceptable motivation for solo sex. “Sex is nice, and pleasure is good for you.” There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the sexual pleasure you provide yourself.
To learn about your sexual response pattern. We all have unique ways we get turned on, and different paths to orgasm. Solo sex is the best way to experiment with different forms of stimulation and learn what works for us. Once we know, we can share this knowledge with our partners and enhance the quality of partner sex. We can tell them exactly what to do to turn us on and get us off.
To learn how to orgasm. I’m always amazed that many women have never experienced an orgasm. The best way for a woman to learn how to orgasm is to give herself an orgasm, perhaps with the aid of a sex toy like a vibrator. Then, she’ll know how to achieve orgasm when with a partner. With solo practice, orgasm becomes easier with a partner. We’re responsible for our own orgasms whether partnered or not.
To make up for an imbalance of sexual desire in a relationship. It’s not uncommon for partners in a relationship to have different needs for the frequency of sex. Solo sex can meet the sexual needs of the partner with a higher level of sexual desire. “Masturbation helps with an imbalance and helps couples avoid being coerced up or down in frequency by their partner. It’s an aid to a relationship over the long haul.” Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, Masturbation: Healthy for a Relationship.
For sex when a partner is ill or recovering from surgery. Just because a partner is ill does not mean their partner no longer has sexual desires. Solo sex can provide sexual pleasure when a partner needs to rest and heal, or doesn’t feel like having sex.
For sexual pleasure when the other partner is absent. Partners are not always together; sometimes they take trips out of town for business or pleasure. When you’re apart from your partner, you still have sexual desires. When a partner is absent your sexual desires might even increase knowing that they are not available. Solo sex can provide sexual pleasure when your partner isn’t available.
For stress release. Sex is one of the best (and most enjoyable!) ways to reduce stress. When we’re feeling stressed out over work or personal concerns, solo sex can provide a much-needed release of tension and stress.
For help going to sleep. I’ve found that when I’m apart from my partner traveling, I sometimes have difficulty going to sleep. Traveling through multiple time zones means I need to go to bed earlier than I normally do so I can get up earlier. At those times, I’ve found solo sex can help me to de-stress, relax, and drift off to sleep.

Resources for Practicing Solo Sex

Masturbation can be a positive part of a partnered relationship. Rather than being something to feel inadequate about or threatened by, solo sex can actually improve relationship sexuality.

There are many excellent resources regarding solo sex: