4 Keys To Dynamite Sex

From reading blog posts, books, and magazine articles about sex, you’d think that technique is the most important factor in having great sex. We think that great sex is mostly about the mechanics of touching, licking, and stroking.

But there is much more to sex than mechanics; there is also an art to great sex. While sexual technique can contribute to great sex, it’s not the only factor or the most significant factor.

What does it take to have dynamite sex?

1. Dynamite Sex Requires Chemistry

Chemistry is hard to define. It’s like what Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said to describe his shorthand definition for hard-core pornography: “I know it when I see it.”

If you don’t have chemistry with a lover, having the best techniques doesn’t make up for its lack.

Chemistry is when you look at a person and instantly feel desire and attraction. It’s that intense passion you feel the first time you kiss or while making love. It’s a sense of an energetic connection you have with another person.

Furthermore, it’s something you can’t create or will into existence. It’s either there or not there.

If you don’t have chemistry with a lover, having the best techniques doesn’t make up for its lack. You go through the motions of sex and feel physical pleasure, but something is missing. You’re lacking the passion and intensity of chemistry.

2. Dynamite Sex Requires Shamelessness and a Lack of Sexual Guilt

Sexual shame and guilt about sex can shut down the possibility of dynamite sex faster than any other factor. As Xanet Pailet says in her book, Living An Orgasmic Life, “The number one reason that holds us back from experiencing pleasure and connecting to our desire and the true potential of living an orgasmic life is SHAME.”

Many of us were taught by parents, religious leaders, and our culture to be ashamed of sexual thoughts, desires, or behaviors. In my religious tradition, sex was primarily a negative, something to be avoided and suppressed at all costs. My parents never talked to me about sex, giving me the impression it was something taboo and not proper to be talked about.

Sexual guilt and shame will prevent and kill dynamite sex.

When young people in a sex-negative culture give in to their raging hormones, fantasize about sex, and masturbate, guilt and shame are inevitable. That legacy of shame and guilt follows us into adulthood.

Perhaps as adults, we’ve changed our values about sexuality. Instead of something nasty and bad, we view sex as nice, pleasurable, and good for us. Unfortunately, we often still have a difficult time breaking free of the sexual guilt and shame we had when younger.

Sexual guilt and shame will prevent and kill dynamite sex. Even if you can stop thinking about it and enjoy a dynamic sexual session, afterward you will feel guilty and shameful. You’ll wonder whether it was worth it because of all the negative feelings you have to deal with.

Over time, some people can overcome their sense of guilt and shame about sex. They allow themselves to fully enjoy their sexuality.

Others have a more difficult time. I suggest that if you are having trouble overcoming sexual guilt and shame, you see a sex-positive counselor to help you deal with this.

3. Dynamite Sex Requires Being In Touch With Your Body and Desires

It’s easy for people raised in our culture to focus almost completely on what’s happening in their minds. We’re taught that everything of real importance happens in your mind, not your body.

Our greatest sexual experiences happen when we stop thinking and focus on feeling what’s happening in our bodies.

This leads to a separation between our minds and bodies. We’re constantly focused on our mental life, and virtually ignore the feelings in our bodies. We aren’t aware of what is happening in our bodies unless there’s a major problem.

Likewise, we tend to suppress thinking about sexual feelings in our bodies. We ignore the signals our bodies are giving us. Both men and women are taught that sexual thoughts and feelings are dangerous and need to be suppressed and ignored.

Dynamite sex requires that we be aware of what’s going on in our bodies. Do we feel sexual attraction in our bodies toward a person? How is that person’s touch affecting our bodies? What pleasure or pain am I feeling in my body while making love?

Our greatest sexual experiences happen when we stop thinking and focus on feeling what’s happening in our bodies. When a person is worried about losing their erection or whether their partner is unhappy with a blemish on their hip, they’re not enjoying dynamic sex.

4. Dynamite Sex Requires Good Communication

It’s an old saying that a first sexual encounter with someone probably won’t result in dynamite sex. Why is this true?

Everyone is sexually unique. We all have different sexual response patterns, different arousal patterns, and different paths that lead to orgasm. We enjoy different types of touches and sexual behaviors. The techniques that work for one person will likely not work for another.

How do we find out what works sexually for each person? You can try trial and error, but that will likely result in many missteps and can kill a sexual exchange if you guess wrong too many times.

A more sensible approach is to communicate in advance. Ask your partner what they like and dislike, and what their sexual boundaries are. Don’t take “I like everything” as a sufficient answer. Ask specific questions. Share your own sexual likes and dislikes. Instead of guessing, you’ll have a good idea of what to do and not do before you begin playing together.

Good communication in advance about sexual desires and patterns can transform a “ho-hum” sexual encounter into a dynamite sexual encounter. Knowing what works and what doesn’t work, and how to give your partner the sexual pleasure they desire, will enhance any sexual encounter.