What Can I Do If I’m in a Sexless Marriage?

What is Sexless Marriage?

Writing in her book, Living an Orgasmic Life, Xanet Pailet says, “Sexless marriages are so pervasive in our society that there seems to be an effort in some sectors to “normalize” the fact that couples stop having sex, especially when they get into their fifties and beyond.”

A sexless marriage exists when a couple has no sex with each other for at least 6-12 months. About 15% of marriages are sexless.

While it’s normal to have periods of less or more sex in a relationship, extended periods of no sex is what defines a sexless marriage.

In some couples, both partners decide they no longer want to have sex. However, often only one partner has made that decision, and the consequences of their decision are forced on the other.

It is possible for couples to love and care for each other without a sexual connection. But, sexless relationships are missing the key elements of sexual loving and eroticism. Humans typically have a need and desire for sexual contact and pleasure.

One partner denying this need in a relationship frequently leads to resentment and frustration for the person denied sex. The lack of sex and sense of betrayal of the relationship can result in the destruction of the marriage.

Why Do People Have Sexless Marriages?

1. One or Both Partners Don’t Want Sex

Sometimes, couples are in agreement they no longer wish to be sexual with each other, but remain together. If that is their knowing choice and both partners are happy with that choice, then it works for them.

But more often only one partner has decided to stop being sexual. Their individual decision is “forced” on the other partner, in the sense that the consequence of that decision requires the other partner to not have sex as well.

In many sexless marriages, only one of the partners no longer wants sex.

It is helpful if both partners can know the reason the one partner has denied sex. There are many reasons why a partner may decide not to have sex. Some of these issues might be solved with the help of medical or counseling professionals:

• Low or non-existent sex drive
• Relationship issues
• Lack of love and closeness
• Unresolved trauma in one or both partners’ past
• Chronic Illness or medical reasons
• Sexual dysfunction or sexual pain
• Lack of sexual desire or attraction
• Hormonal imbalance
• Mental health issues.
  

2. A Lack of Communication Leads to No Sex

A partner may have a legitimate reason for ending sexual contact. However, when a partner fails to communicate the reason to the affected partner it can cause resentment, false assumptions, frustration, and continued withdrawal for both partners. On the other hand, good communication may resolve the problem.

Too often a partner is unable or unwilling to share the reason they no longer want sex, and this leads to false assumptions and withdrawal

An example: As men age, they tend to have difficulty getting and keeping an erection. This difficulty often causes feelings of shame and inadequacy. Even though they desire sex with their partner, they shy away from it. They fear that they might experience another failure, which is intensely embarrassing to them. Rather than risk further humiliation or embarrassment, they’d rather give up their sexuality.

Due to this shame and embarrassment, they won’t talk to anyone about their difficulty, including their partner or a medical professional. They, therefore, remain in ignorance about options that might be available to help them get and keep erections.

The other partner might assume that the man’s lack of interest in sex is because he no longer finds her attractive and desirable. This lowers her self-esteem and confidence and leads her to resent his presumed lack of desire for her. She withdraws from him, only making the situation worse for both of them.

If the man communicated why he is avoiding sex, the woman would understand it’s not about her, but about him and his problem with erections. Together, they could seek solutions, and he could be encouraged to speak to his doctor about it. As a result, he might obtain help, such as ED medication which would solve most of his issues, and return sexuality to their relationship.

3. Couples Being Too Close Can Result in No Sex

In her counseling practice, therapist Esther Perel has encountered many clients who have sexless marriages. She’s discovered the lack of desire in a marriage often is not because one partner has decided to stop sex due to a specific reason. Rather, there is no sexual desire because the couple is too emotionally close and bonded, sharing everything in the interest of emotional intimacy.

Writing in her groundbreaking book, Mating in Captivity, she states, “Ironically, what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. It may be counterintuitive, but it’s been my experience as a therapist that increased emotional intimacy is often accompanied by decreased sexual desire.”

Perel explains that while our culture idealizes partner relationships as a merging of two people in intimacy and closeness (bringing the benefits of predictability, stability, and safety), eroticism “resides in unpredictability, spontaneity, and risk.” She argues that it is within separateness and mystery and adventure that erotic desire dwells.

Because sexual desire arises in unpredictability, spontaneity and risk, couples with close emotional bonds can lose their desire for each other.

She urges, “Instead of always striving for closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves.” When two people are so emotionally intertwined and intimate, there is no area of separateness between them in which desire and erotic feelings may grow.

What to Do If You’re In a Sexless Marriage and Don’t Want to Be

1. Communicate and Seek Counseling to Resolve Issues

Communication is needed to find out why one partner no longer desires sex. Once a cause is identified, the couple can discuss together what options might be available to help solve the problem. Without this critical information, there is no possibility of reaching a satisfactory agreement.

For example, if a woman is experiencing severe pain in intercourse, she might seek medical help to see if she can resolve the issue. While seeking that help, she doesn’t have to cut out all sexual intimacy, just painful intercourse.

Talk about it if you’re not having sex.

There are many other sexual practices that could bring sexual pleasure and closeness to both partners. It doesn’t have to be an “everything or nothing” decision.

Some problems need professional help to solve. A couple could seek the help of a professional couples’ counselor for individual and couple counseling, or of a medical professional for health issues.

2. Self-Pleasuring for Sexual Release

It may not be possible to solve the issue prompting a denial of sex. If so, the partner who still desires sex could accept the situation, resolve to remain in the relationship, and provide for their own sexual pleasure through self-pleasuring.

If there’s no other option, self-pleasuring is always an option to keep sex alive.

However, for many this will not be an acceptable long-term solution. While it can provide some sexual pleasure and release, self-pleasuring is much more limited than the pleasurable interactions of two people having sex together.

3. Seeking Sex with Others

A. Permission for Sex with Others

“Assuming that the sexual issues themselves cannot be solved and that the frustrated partner is not willing to deny his or her needs, then the partners have to acknowledge that one of them can no longer get his or her basic needs satisfied within the relationship—and something has to change. Either the relationship has to end, or the relationship has to change to allow the frustrated partner to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere.” Mark D. White, Ph.D., writing in Psychology Today.

If one partner no longer wants sex, they can allow the other partner to meet their sexual needs with others.

Some partners resolve the issue of sexless marriage by renegotiating the relationship boundaries of acceptable sexual behavior. Sometimes partners who no longer desire sex will give their partner permission to seek sexual satisfaction with others. That can often take the shape of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement.

B. Cheating

But what if the partner choosing not to have sex won’t give permission for their partner to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere? Some resolve this issue by cheating and privately seeking sex with others. Many would judge that behavior as morally wrong. They would consider cheating as a betrayal because it breaks the marriage vows of faithfulness.

Others would point out that just as partners take negative vows to not be sexual with others, there is also an implied positive vow that partners will be sexual with each other. They see a betrayal of those vows by the person who denies sex to their partner. In the words of one partner in a sexless marriage, “Where did (sex) go and do I have to go the rest of my life without it? This is not the relationship that I was “promised” when I bought the idea that we would be lifelong partners.”

When one partner decides to deny sex and the other partner cheats to meet their sexual needs, both partners may be betraying each other and their marriage vows.

The morality of cheating in a sexless marriage is not as simple as it would appear on the surface. While there is a betrayal for the cheater, there would also seem to be a prior betrayal for the partner who has denied sex. There are difficult moral and practical issues that make clarity difficult. Each person will have to weigh the issues and make their own decisions.

Help for Sexless Marriages

A sexless marriage can threaten the happiness or very existence of a relationship. While some couples can agree to a sexless marriage, more typically one of the partners makes the decision and the other suffers the consequences against their will.

There are legitimate reasons why one partner may choose to give up sex. However, many of these problems can be resolved with professional help. It’s vital for partners to communicate with each other the reason they wish to cease sex and be open to seeking professional help.

If a partner does not wish to have sex anymore and isn’t willing to seek help or allow their partner to be sexual with others, then the denied partner has only a few options. They can decide to suffer in frustration, cheat and seek sexual fulfillment with others, or end the relationship.

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