How to Create The Sex Life of Your Dreams

1. What is Your Sex Life Now?

Xanet Pailet, in her excellent book Living an Orgasmic Life, suggests we periodically question whether we’re happy with our sex life and if not, where we need to make changes. To make changes, we need to identify what might be preventing us from changing and move forward to have the sex life of our dreams.

Before you can decide how you’d like your sex life to change, it’s necessary to first take an honest inventory of your present sex life. What behaviors make up your sex life now?

Make a list of all of your present sexual behaviors. Do you give yourself sexual pleasure? Exactly how do you do that? Do you use any sex toys, either on yourself or with a partner? What specific sexual activities do you do with a partner?

2. How Do You Feel About Your Present Sex Life?

After identifying the activities that make up your present sex life, now you can evaluate how you feel about it.

If you’re content and happy with your sex life and feel completely fulfilled, then maybe you don’t need or want to change your sex life. But if you are not content or satisfied with your sex life, then you need to identify what your specific needs are and make some changes.

3. What Would You Like Your Ideal Sex Life to Look Like?

To imagine what your ideal sex life would look like, you’ll have to identify the specific sexual behaviors you’d like to add to your life. Just saying “more sex” (unless all you desire is more of what you’re already doing) doesn’t give you specific goals to achieve.

Do you desire to give or receive oral sex from a partner? Do you want to try a different sex position, like doggy style? Would you like to explore dominant/submissive play and be restrained with your wrists bound behind your back, or tie your partner to the bed?

Yes, No, Maybe

Perhaps you already have a list of specific sexual behaviors you’d like to add to your life. One way to identify behaviors you might want to incorporate is to work through the “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise. Write on a piece of paper all the sexual behaviors that you can think of. It doesn’t matter whether these are things that you’d like to do or not.

Next, draw three columns on a piece of paper with the words Yes, No, and Maybe at the top of each column. Look at the sexual behaviors you wrote down on the first page and copy all the behaviors you definitely do or would like to do, under the “Yes” column. List sexual behaviors you have no interest in and wouldn’t try under the “No” column. Finally, list sexual behaviors you might want to try under the right circumstances in the “Maybe” column.

Now take it a step further. In your “Yes” list, identify the behaviors that you consider to be your non-negotiable needs for your sexual life. If you’re not getting those in your present sex life, these become your top priorities to obtain. For information on this exercise, see The New Bottoming Book, by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.

The items that you put in the “Yes” column are those things that you’d like to include in your ideal sex life. The items you put in the “Maybe” column are items you might want to include. Items in the “No” category don’t go on the list. Or, perhaps you are doing some things you really don’t want to do, and you need to identify these, so you can stop doing them.

Other Factors to Consider For Your Ideal Sex Life

• Do you have sexual fantasies that might indicate your desires? You may not want to act out every sexual fantasy you have, but maybe you have some you would like to try. Fantasies often deal with “forbidden” sex, such as anal sex or participating in a threesome.
• How much sex do you want? You might want to increase the frequency of sexual behavior instead of changing it. Are you getting the amount of sex that you desire or need? Do you just want more of the kind of sex you’re already getting?
• Do you have enough variety in your sex life? You might want more variety in the types of sex you engage in (rough sex, romantic sex, dominant or submissive sex, positions, etc.) or who you have sex with (different partners, multiple partners).
  

4. What Obstacles Do You Have to Overcome to Have the Sex Life You Desire?

You can change your sex life by simply adding new sexual behaviors, getting rid of behaviors you no longer want to continue, or having sex more frequently. However, there are often obstacles you must overcome to bring about the sex life you desire.

• You can be your biggest obstacle. You may feel guilt or shame about your sexual desires. This can stop you from taking the action necessary to claim your new sex life. If you find you’re unable to move forward, I’d suggest you seek the help of a sex-positive counselor to help.
• Your partner can be an obstacle. If you have a partner, and you want your sex life to change, you’ll have to do some serious communication with them about your needs and desires. If you’ve had a relationship where your partner isn’t open to talking about sex, you might have to just try some things and see how your partner reacts. If your partner is not willing to accommodate your sexual needs and is not open to you playing with others who can meet your needs, you might need to reevaluate your relationship.
• Your willingness to change can be an obstacle. To make changes in your sex life, you’re of course going to have to be willing to upset the current conditions. If you’re too timid to risk doing some experimentation and making changes, nothing will change.
  

Take Stock of Your Sex Life and Make Changes!

“Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” You deserve an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life. Why do we feel that we should just accept whatever sex life we have and never try to improve it?

We don’t do that with anything else in our lives. Sex is an important part of our lives. We need to give it the attention and effort it deserves.

Instead of just taking your sex life for granted, I urge you to evaluate whether your present life is meeting all of your needs and desires. Identify what changes you want to make, including specific sexual acts or behaviors you wish to include.

Identify and remove any obstacles you have to make the changes you’ve decided are necessary. Have the courage to venture out into the unknown and create a new sex life for yourself, one that makes you feel happy and satisfied.

“You deserve an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life. Why do we feel that we should just accept whatever sex life we have and never try to improve it? We don’t do that with anything else in our lives. Sex is an important part of our lives. We need to give it the attention and effort it deserves.”