4 Reasons Why You Don’t Get Sex

Sex isn’t as simple as deciding to eat an ice cream bar. If you want to enjoy an ice cream bar, it’s no big deal to go to a store, buy one, and eat one.

Sex is more complicated. Sometimes, the reason we don’t get sex when we want it is because of us, and the way we think about ourselves.

1. You Don’t Have Sex Because You Don’t Have a Partner

Sometimes we think that if we don’t have a partner, we can’t have sex. Maybe you are single and don’t have a sexual relationship with anyone. Or, perhaps your partner died, and you haven’t dated or remarried since the death.

a. Finding a Sexual Partner

If you want to have sex with a partner, you’re going to have to take steps to meet someone and begin a sexual relationship with them. There are several ways to do that.

• What do you enjoy doing? Go where other people with the same interests gather and socialize. If you like to hike, join a local hiking club and participate in group hikes. If you enjoy learning about and using technology, join a tech interest group.
  
• Many people find new friends and sexual partners through online dating sites. You can post a profile on a site like eHarmony, Dating.com, OkCupid, or Tinder and see who responds. Or, you can contact people who interest you.
  
• There are also adult dating sites designed specifically for people interested in a sexual connection. Examples include SwingLifeStyle and AdultFriendFinder.
  
• Many sites allow you to set up a basic account for no cost. If you find the restrictions on free accounts too limiting, you can typically pay a monthly fee for full membership with no restrictions.
  

b. Self-Pleasuring is Always an Option for Sex

When people think of sex, they often think of intercourse. If they don’t have a sexual partner, they assume they can’t have sex. But sex is much broader than penis-in-vagina.

“Sex” includes a wide variety of behaviors that do not require a partner. Depending on your desires, self-pleasuring could include everything from stimulating your nipples with your fingers, to masturbating yourself with your fingers, or with a sex toy such as a vibrator or dildo.

To get yourself off, you can get arousal started by reading erotica or watching sex videos. You can enjoy a warm bath or shower and touch yourself all over your body. You can use the water from a bath faucet or handheld shower to get very turned on or have an orgasm.

Sex is much broader than penis-in-vagina.

Having an orgasm from masturbation can be just as pleasurable, if not more so, as having an orgasm with a partner. You know (more than a partner does) exactly what kind of touch feels best to you and the sequence, pressure, and speed that will bring you to orgasm.

For more information about self-pleasuring, please see my two posts, “Sex and The Single Senior; Self-Pleasuring for Women,” and “Sex and The Single Senior; Self-Pleasuring for Men.”

2. You Don’t Have Sex Because You’re Afraid You’ll Be Rejected

To have sex with another person, you have to express your interest in sex with that person. In porn, two people meet, make eye contact, jump into each other’s arms and start ripping off clothing. Most real people have to let the other person know they are interested in having sex and have to ask if the other person shares that desire.

Asking for sex can be scary because there’s always the possibility we might be rejected. That can make us feel embarrassed, foolish, hurt, and shake our confidence.

It helps to remember that if someone says no, it’s not a personal putdown. Usually, it’s more about them than it is about you.

In our culture, men are often expected to be the sexual initiators. Some men are afraid to initiate because they are afraid of being rejected. Even though a woman’s advances are much less likely to be turned down, there is still a risk of rejection for women as well.

If someone says no, it’s likely not a personal putdown. It’s more about them, their boundaries, and preferences than it is about you. It’s not saying that there is something wrong with you, rather it’s expressing their personal desires and limitations.

Even knowing it’s more about them than about you, it can still hurt to be sexually rejected. But if you want to have sex with a partner, you have to be willing to take the risk. You have a much better chance of getting what you want if you ask for it than if you don’t.

3. You Don’t Have Sex Because You’re Uncomfortable With Your Body

Many people, both men and women, don’t think they “look good naked.” They don’t like certain aspects of their body and assume other people won’t like them either.

Women seem to be especially affected by poor body image. They worry about a wrinkle on their face, boobs that are starting to sag, or they think their butt is too big. Men worry about penis size.

A man who’s having sex with you doesn’t worry about the blemish on your right hip!

Men typically aren’t concerned about the perceived imperfections that women fret about. Men tend to look at women as total packages, one they are either attracted to or not. If they’re attracted to you and want to have sex with you, they don’t care at all about the issues you worry about. They’re just enjoying having sex with you.

4. You Don’t Have Sex Because You Worry About Performance Issues

Men worry that they won’t be able to obtain or maintain an erection, so they can have intercourse. Unfortunately, when we think and worry about that, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The reality is that erection issues are fairly common and normal. Often our bodies are telling us we’re stressed, nervous, or distracted. As we age, sexual performance becomes more of an issue.

If you’re having recurring erection issues, go to a doctor and rule out medical causes. A doctor can also prescribe a medication such as Viagra or Cialis to help in gaining and keeping erections. If nothing helps, there are many other ways besides intercourse to pleasure you and your partner and obtain an orgasm if desired.

The reality is that erection issues are fairly common and normal.

Women worry that they won’t please their partners, or that their partners won’t please them. They’re sometimes concerned that the person they’re with won’t like their sexual techniques, or they will be a disappointment in bed.

It’s good to acknowledge that many, if not most, sexual experiences with a new lover are awkward at best. You don’t know their pleasure points, arousal pattern, or desires, and they don’t know yours. It’s a good idea to communicate in advance with each other about what you do like, don’t like, or what you might like to try.

Getting the Sex You Want

Don’t let the lack of a partner, the fear of rejection, worries about a less than perfect body, or concerns about performance issues stop you from enjoying sex. None of these reasons mean you can’t have sex at all.

If you want a sexual partner, take the steps necessary to meet someone compatible. Be willing to take a risk and express your sexual interest to another person. Stop worrying that a sexual partner might not like you because you’re not in a perfect body. Don’t let the possibility of performance problems stop you from having enjoyable, pleasurable sex.